Crap jokes to start the year...

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology that was explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.
The husband turned to his wife and said, Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me both happy and sad at the same time.
She replies: Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis.
___________

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my arse with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."