Geology Monkey

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a Geologist monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be £5000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is a GIT Monkey - geologist in training - it can lick rocks and tell you the exact mineralogy, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! £10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a P.Geo Monkey - a professional geologist - it can log drill holes, update and construct geological models, they are experts in igneous and metamorphic petrology and petrography, hydrogeology, sedimentology and structural geology. SOME can even do basic calculations. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it's called a Geophysicist Monkey."

Wednesday Movie - A lap with Joey

Joey Dunlop was a northern Irish motorcycle racer who specialised in road races such as the Isle of Man TT. He was famous for being very quite and modest off the bike and a genius on it. He won the TT 26 times and died doing what he loved in Estonian in 2000.

Back in my Birmingham days (c. 1991), Rich Greswell lent me a video of a full lap of the TT circuit on board with Joey from 1983. This was back in the day before this kind of thing was common and we watched it repeatedly, in awe. We'd come back from the pub and do "a quick lap with Joey", everyone sat around leaning into the bends trying to imagine how you could ride so fast, so smoothly. There was something about the format of the video, just a single view with no cut aways and his quiet, understated commentary that made it a masterpiece.

I had looked for it several times on youtube and it wasn't there. I was keen to see if, almost 20 years it still seemed as cool, or if it was just nostalgia? Then last week I found it and, I can honestly say its actually better than I remember. It's amazing! Even if you have never ridden a bike I urge you to watch it all, he is touching speeds of 160 mph (that's 260 km/h) on regular roads lined by stone walls and trees on a bike from the early 1980's, yet the riding is so smooth it looks like he is just popping to the shops. If your palms aren't sweating by the end - you must have been abducted and replaced with an android and you just don't know it yet.

Enjoy...
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Anchored down in Anchorage...

Was delayed flying out of Saskatoon which meant I missed my connection from Minneapolis to Anchorage. After a brief discussion as to whether I should be shipped via Houston, which is about as far as you can go in the wrong direction, they finally sent me to Seattle where I once again missed my connection. Seattle has the most ridiculous communication system with three separate train lines, and a smorgasbord of terminals – its really not that big.

Eventually got to Anchorage which was dark and foggy. Was collected and dropped at a hotel in the center of town. The hotel is apparently “historic” which means it is reminiscent of somewhere in mid Wales, which is neither good nor bad, just different to the drab uniformity of the Holiday Inn etc. Went for a quick walk around the block and by the time I got back they had upgraded me to a suite – very nice!

Next morning it was still foggy, Ken, my host turned up and took me to the talk venue. Talk went fine, lots of interest, then it back to the hotel, where I did a bit of work and then headed to the museum, which was large and only half built. The bit that was open was good and I realized how little I knew about Alaskan, geology or history. From there I headed back to the hotel. Apparently you can see 6 mountain ranges from Anchorage, I saw nothing except fog the whole time I was there. Almost everyone I meet told me how great the view is.

Ken invited me and a few of his friends over to his house to eat and help him drink wine. He is very keen on wine tasting and by the end of the evening we were all rather worse for wear. The food, wine and company were excellent and I realized that the hospitality and friendless had got progressively better, the further north I had gone. From the “make your own way to the hotel, no entertainment” of Bakersfield, through the quick meal out at Boulder, to the longer meal in Canada, culminating in dinner at some ones house. How could Fairbanks be any better? Dancing girls and a limo?

The evening ended with Ken announcing that his driveway was too steep and dangerous to walk down to the waiting taxi so he would drive us. Despite our instance that it was not necessary, he did indeed dribe , all 50 m. It was one of those evening.

Up at 4.30 the next morning for another taxi and a flight up to Fairbanks, 64° north, that’s the same as Trondheim. It was still dark when I arrived and I was met by Doug, a geophysicist who told me that he didn’t really understand what sedimentologists did. He was from Utah and knew the Book Cliffs well, he couldn’t understand that there was anything interesting to do there, “it’s all so layer cake”. But he was friendly enough and took me for a coffee and then drove me around, in fact it seemed like anything to avoid going to work.

The university in Fairbanks is pretty amazing. It was cold, -20° and there was a dusting of snow. The university is a series of very modern buildings with lots of large satellite dishes and other bits of kit that give an air of serious science. Science crossed with the lair of an evil genius, James Bond villain. Dr No’s winter retreat sits on a hill overlooking the town, with the Alsaka range and Denali in the far distance. When the sun came up for its brief appearance there was an amazing golden red light. I went to a PhD defense which was interesting, followed by lunch with some students. Its always fun to meet students and I am drawn to people who opt to spend years of their life in these extreme places. They were very hospitable. Then the talk, followed by the pub. It was one of these old school deals were the entire geology department all head to the pub on a Friday night. There was plenty of beer going down and everyone was friendly and we were having a good time, then things got a bit weird.

I was under the impression that we were all going for food, so I followed Doug, who still had my bags in his car. Doug was very pleased with himself for being able to start his car remotely. Apparently that’s a big deal when its -30! Anyway out at the car we started driving and I realized that we were not going with the others, we were heading to his Korean wife’s restaurant. I guess everyone else had gone elsewhere so it was too late to complain. The restaurant was a bit of a road house in an industrial estate. We sat at the bar while he told me his life story, about how he was set to be a bachelor and then he met his wife who ran various businesses and who generally didn’t come home until 3am. Not surprisingly they had no kids. I was getting fairly drunk by this point and having a few problems keeping with the plot, but the food was good and his wife came over and said hello. You got the sense that she didn’t have a whole lot of respect for academics and scientist but the food was good and she was very hospitable.

He dropped me back at the hotel and I had now lost all of my new found friends from the department, so I went to bed. Next morning I went and hired a car and headed out to the one thing that everyone seemed to think was worth doing. Chenna hotsprings. This has been suggested by pretty much everyone I had met so it must be a good suggestion. Just after my talk the secretary from the department had hand me a piece of paper and said “when you get there, ask for Bernie!”

So I drove for an hour on long straight roads through frozen forest with the off cabin. When the road ended I was at the hotsprings, so I asked for Bernie. Bernie turned out to be the larger than life character who owned the place. He bought me lunch and then gave me a guided tour. Bernie was actually pretty amazing. A big guy with a beard and a huge personality. He talked pretty non stop, typically about how great he was. But the interesting thing was, it was true! He had bought a failing hot spring business in the arese end of nowhere and turned it into a very profitable spa, but then things got really interesting. He had also developed technology for generating power from the hot water, had built green houses for growing fruit (64°N and down to -50°c in winter) and was working on algal biofuels. All with no formal science background. He had also built an ice palace and hotel with some amazing ice carving and he took great pleasure in telling us about the Playboy photo shoot that had taken place there while serving me vodka in a glass made of ice. He was obviously taking on the hospitality vs latitude challenge without even realizing it.

After he had finished with me I headed to the outdoor spa. The water was a perfect temperature, which was good because the air was -20° so that your hair froze once it was wet.

Feeling relaxed I headed back to town, had food and another early night, getting ready for another 5am start and the journey back to Norway. Now sat on the plane heading home. Its been an interesting 10 days.

River running in Spain...

Northern Spain, summer 1995. I have just returned from a field season in Utah were I got my first taste of rafting on the mighty Colorado. Sat in a large rubber raft, piloted by an experienced guide the whole think seemed rather easy.

So now I am back in the Pyrenees, looking at some of the best structural geology I know. The Galleago gorge is an amazing cross section through the external sierras guarded by with the mighty conglomerate towers of Riglos. I have climbed on these 1000 ft monsters but today I have a different plan. Today I will take what I have learnt from my rafting experience and run this punitive river with it’s little rapids. How hard can it be?

I get 4 inner tubes from a garage in Jaca but the students who I am supervising are not interested in this adventure. That’s there loss. So I head off on my own to the bridge below the dam. I arrive and there is a professional rafting company setting up, Their clients in wetsuits, helmets and life vests carry the boats from the roof of their van. In contrast I am in shorts and sandals with a inner tube under my arm and a piece of wood, found at the side of the road to use as a paddle.

The guides look at my in confusion, which quickly morphs to compression, followed quickly by anger. The guides obviously don’t want me to humiliate them or their paying clients, my lack of expensive kit is underlining the validity of their operation and they are pissed off. They shout at me in Spanish but I ignore them, throw the tube off the bridge and vault the rail, casually taking the 10 m to the water. In the water I climb into the tube and set off downstream on my adventure. I sit in the tube and go with the current. My arse bounces off the odd rocks but I am happy, I am on the river and the sun is shinning. This is the life.

At the first rapid I fall out, its harder than it looks, but I float the rapid into the eddie and climb back in. A quite section follows and I admire the familiar geology. More rapids and I am starting to get a technique, I still fall out occasionally but its all going well. I laugh at the students stuck back at the hotel and I laugh at those stupid people with all their gear. What a bunch of idiots, what a waste of money.

My progress continues, through rapids followed by gentle sections. I see the towers of Riglos and feel sad that my tour is almost over. The gorge is narrowing for the last bit, maybe there is still some fun to come? I wish it had been just a bit more exciting. Then I round a corner and I hear the roar, maybe its not over yet? The best is obviously still to come, I am more excited than scared and I make it my goal to try and stay in the ring.

The roar gets louder but I still can’t see too much. I am wandering what to expect as I go for the falls. They are only about a meter high but I am immediately out of the ring and in the water. I splash and paddle as amusement turns to anxiety and then to full on fear. I am bounced off large boulders, fighting to stay above the water. I go over another drop and I don’t come up. I start to fight and swim hard but I can’t even tell what way is up. Just as I am getting really scared I am spat out to go straight over another small drop into a pool. I go under again but surface quickly, right next to the rubber ring, which through its own adventure has ended up next to me. I grasp it and use it to keep me afloat has I am carried further down the river, bashing and bouncing off the boulders.

I am pushed against a large boulder in the middle of the stream. Initially it threatens to pin me down but as I climb up the back of it the water pushes me up on the top. I grab the ring and I am safe, temporarily at least. I take stock of the situation, a few cuts and bruises but apart from that I am ok. I sit on the rock, with the water roaring either side and, without warning I throw up! Probably a combination of the water I have swallowed and a delayed reaction to the fear. The retching goes on from a few minutes until my stomach is empty I sit there cold and shivering.

It takes me 20 minutes to sum the courage to do what has to be done. The only way off the boulder is back in to the raging river. I have no idea what is down stream but I can and starting to get really cold and I know I can’t stay here.

I tentatively ease my way into the water, all the bravado and bullshit has been washed away. I don’t even try to ride the ring, I just clutch it and let the water take me. Its not as bad as I had feared and in a few minutes its all over, I am spat from the rapids into the deep running smooth waters.

I climb in the ring and float for about a kilometer, before I find a good spot to get out. Climbing the side of the gorge is steep and treacherous but I hardly notice as I scramble up, leaving the river below me. At the half way point I stop and I look back, staring at the rapids. Scouting them would have been a good idea, but then again if I had done that, I probably would have stayed back at the hotel with the students.

I watch the guided tour appear around the corner. They stop at the top of the big rapids, the clients get out and walk around as the guides run the boat down on a line. Finally I laugh to myself at myself and my ridiculous adventure.

Life on the Prairie

I love flying across the central part of the US. The flat terrain, which must be incredibly tedious to drive across is strangely compelling from the air.

First, there is the regular grid of the township and range, imprinted by the European settlers to impose order and ownership on the wide open plains. The checkerboard pattern resulted from when the land was sub-divided into 1 mile square blocks, with a grid of roads, each as straight as ruler. Some of these roads are just dirt tracks to the farms, others almost by chance have evolved through time into the major highways. Each mile square is subdivided into 4 homesteads and the first bit of variety comes from the location of the farm house within the plot. Then there is the land use, some ploughed, the combed lines always running parallel to the larger grid. Some blocks are further subdivided and some left fallow, in the more arid, southern US the grid has a circular pattern imposed by the huge irrigation wheels, sometimes these sit within a single 1/4 mile block other times they fill the whole mile, but do the tell neighborly cooperation or past failure and takeover. What stories can the occupants of those little houses, the families who work the land tell us? What can we learn of the personal triumphs and tragedies from the subtle variations in this national grid.



The grid is imposed on nature, which for the most part flat and featureless. Locally though a river or stream with no respect for the straight edges, snakes through the grid, highlighting the difference between mans order and natures apparent chaos.

One day I may drive those roads but in the meantime I am content to enjoy the beauty of the grid and its imperfections

Friday Joke - difficult costumer

This week courtesy of Gareth...

_________________________________________________________

Hello David,

I would like to catch up as I am working on a really exciting project at the moment and need a logo designed. Basically something representing peer to peer networking. I have to have something to show prospective clients this week so would you be able to pull something together in the next few days? I will also need a couple of pie charts done for a 1 page website. If deal goes ahead there will be some good money in it for you.

Simon


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 3.52pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,

Disregarding the fact that you have still not paid me for work I completed earlier this year despite several assertions that you would do so, I would be delighted to spend my free time creating logos and pie charts for you based on further vague promises of future possible payment. Please find attached pie chart as requested and let me know of any changes required.

Regards, David.





From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 4.11pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Logo Design

Is that supposed to be a fucking joke? I told you the previous projects did not go ahead. I invested a lot more time and energy in those projects than you did. If you put as much energy into the projects as you do being a dickhead you would be a lot more successful.



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 5.27pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,

You are correct and I apologise. Your last project was actually both commercially viable and original. Unfortunately the part that was commercially viable was not original, and the part that was original was not commercially viable.

I would no doubt find your ideas more 'cutting edge' and original if I had traveled forward in time from the 1950's but as it stands, your ideas for technology based projects that have already been put into application by other people several years before you thought of them fail to generate the enthusiasm they possibly deserve. Having said that though, if I had traveled forward in time, my time machine would probably put your peer to peer networking technology to shame as not only would it have commercial viability, but also an awesome logo and accompanying pie charts.

Regardless, I have, as requested, attached a logo that represents not only the peer to peer networking project you are currently working on, but working with you in general.

Regards, David.





From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 11.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

You just crossed the line. You have no idea about the potential this project has. The technology allows users to network peer to peer, add contacts, share information and is potentially worth many millions of dollars and your short sightedness just cost you any chance of being involved.



From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 1.36pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,

So you have invented Twitter. Congratulations. This is where that time machine would definitely have come in quite handy.

When I was about twelve, I read that time slows down when approaching the speed of light so I constructed a time machine by securing my father's portable generator to the back of my mini-bike with rope and attaching the drive belt to the back wheel. Unfortunately, instead of traveling through time and finding myself in the future, I traveled about fifty metres along the footpath at 200mph before finding myself in a bush. When asked by the nurse filling out the hospital accident report "Cause of accident?" I stated 'time travel attempt' but she wrote down 'stupidity'.

If I did have a working time machine, the first thing I would do is go back four days and tell myself to read the warning on the hair removal cream packaging where it recommends not using on sensitive areas. I would then travel several months back to warn myself against agreeing to do copious amounts of design work for an old man wielding the business plan equivalent of a retarded child poking itself in the eye with a spoon, before finally traveling back to 1982 and explaining to myself the long term photographic repercussions of going to the hairdresser and asking for a haircut exactly like Simon LeBon's the day before a large family gathering.

Regards, David.



From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 3.29pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

You really are a fucking idiot and have no idea what you are talking about. The project I am working on will be more successful than twitter within a year. When I sell the project for 40 million dollars I will ignore any emails from you begging to be a part of it and will send you a postcard from my yaght. Ciao.



From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 3.58pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design





From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.10pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Anyone else would be able to see the opportunity I am presenting but not you. You have to be a fucking smart arse about it. All I was asking for was a logo and a few pie charts which would have taken you a few fucking hours.



From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.25pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon

Actually, you were asking me to design a logotype which would have taken me a few hours and fifteen years experience. For free. With pie charts. Usually when people don't ask me to design them a logo, pie charts or website, I, in return, do not ask them to paint my apartment, drive me to the airport, represent me in court or whatever it is they do for a living. Unfortunately though, as your business model consists entirely of "Facebook is cool, I am going to make a website just like that", this non exchange of free services has no foundation as you offer nothing of which I wont ask for.

Regards, David.


From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.43pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

What the fuck is your point? Are you going to do the logo and charts for me or not?



From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.02pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.13pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Do not ever email me again.



From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.19pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Ok. Good luck with your project. If you need anything let me know.

Regards, David.



From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.27pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Get fucked.

A cold lesson

All this cold weather reminds me of an ice climbing trip to Canada back in 2001/03. We were staying in Banff and one day when it was fairly cold (-20 ish) we headed out to bag a couple of pitches of road side ice.

We climbed to parallel routes, I was climbing as part of a three and by the time I got back to the bottom of the pitch there is no sign of Dave and Mike but there is a lot of blood on the ice. That's a bad sign, given that you either have to have a facial injury or be bleeding very heavily from below all the layers for there to be that much blood on the ground. I was expecting the worst.

Back at the car and the boys are looking sheepish but decidedly intact. I ask about the blood and Mike nods while Dave sniggers.

Turns out that Mike was sorting his gear and he put a metal crab in his mouth, which had...

...yes predictably at -20, had stuck. He then panicked and pulled the skin off the end of his tongue and as he started screaming blood and spraying went everywhere - OW!!!

There is a lesson there! We felt the need to re-enforce this lesson by feeding Mike chili and curry for the rest of the week. It was for his own good but I think we realised that it could have been any of us.

I have not asked him but I am prepared to bet that he hasn't done that again, I certainly haven't. So the following from http://www.despair.com/ is for Mike...