10 January 2010

Room 101

There used to be a program on British TV called Room 101 in which guests were invited to nominate the things they hated for inclusion in a fictional room, from where they would never return. It was basically just an excuse for a rant. Since I love ranting here are my offerings

Roller hand luggage – Based on the tartan shopping trolleys old ladies use for their cans of soup, these bags make a simple statement about their owners – given that the luggage lockers on the plane are not big enough for everyone to have this sort of luggage, owning one of these says “I am going to take more than my fair share of space because I am more important than you”, ie “I am a selfish twat!” It gets worse when you see entire families with them; small girls towing a pink, barbi embossed offering which contains… what? Basically if it needs wheels it’s not hand baggage!

Hot air hand driers – Go to the toilet, then wash our hands and get that sinking feeling when you realize there are no towels. Wave hand in jet of luke warm air for two minutes then get bored, shaking still wet hands and wipe on trousers. An utter waste of space.

Football supporters – not all football supports but that especially breed that watch the game but never get off their bar stool/sofa to actually play it. They are tribally wed to some second rate club and spend hours on the "club discussion website" arguing about goal keepers from the mid 1980's. Your nylon version of your nasty club strip hangs badly on your beer belly and your state of mind for the next week, ecstatic or heart broken, depends on the performance of 11 people over whom you have no control or influence. Get a life…

“Baby on board” stickers on cars - what the hell does that mean? Do you think I was going to drive recklessly and crash in to you, but seeing that stupid sticker has made me think twice, so I will crash into the car next to you? Of course not, it’s a statement that says “whoaho look at me, not only am I cool enough to find a woman who actually wants to sleep with me, but I managed to get it up and my sperm works. I fathered a child, I am a god!” No you are a sad pathetic wanker.

Spam, cold calling and junk mail – email spam is almost inevitable since it is so cheap to send out and only takes 1 in 12 million receivers to think “oh that pill really will make me dick bigger” for it to be profitable. However a bigger issue is junk mail, apparently 5% of Los Angeles landfill is unsolicited mail – surely that should just be illegal. And then cold calling, while we all love to scream at the poor unfortunate call centre drone, or even better, chat to them for ten minutes and then tell them to fuck off, what they are really aiming at is lonely old people who are gullible. Again it should just be illegal. Its not hard to find a company selling windows or life insurance or sofas, if you decide that you actually want one.

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