06 March 2009

Friday Joke - John’s Guide to Zen*

Do not walk behind me for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just fuck off and leave me alone.

Sex is like air. It only becomes important when you aren’t getting any

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a flat battery and a burst tyre

The darkest hour comes just before the dawn. So that is the best time to steal your neighbours milk and newspaper.

Remember that no one is listening – until you fart.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think that nobody cares if you are alive or dead – try not paying a few bills

Before you judge someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you judge them you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving [particularly relevant to me]

Never miss an opportunity to shut up and listen.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend all day standing by a canal in the rain.

If you lent somebody 200 nok and then you never saw them again, it was probably money well spent.

Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time you do it, after that…

Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment

A closed mouth gathers no feet

You are not learning very much when your lips are moving

Experience is something you get just after you really needed it

There are numerous theories about how to win an argument with a woman. They are all wrong.

*shamelessly stolen from somebody else

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