The scientist, the pig and the monkey

Three agricultural scientists were determined to discover how much a pig could eat before it just had to take a shit. To this end they procured a Yorkshire sow and pushed a large cork into her arse. After six weeks of force feeding, the sow was the size of the Goodyear airship and threatening to burst. Being humane types, the scientists agreed that the cork must now be removed.

No-one wished to volunteer for the job, however, so in true scientific tradition, they decided to train a monkey for the task and swiftly put a small gibbon through a crash course in cork-pulling. The day came and the pig was air-lifted out to the desert for safety's sake. Special equipment was set up to monitor the event. Picture the scene: In the middle of the desert, the pig. Behind the pig, the monkey. One mile behind him, the first scientists with a video camera. One mile behind that scientist are the other two scientists with a seismometer. Finally, the monkey reaches up and pulls out the cork. SPLAT!

When the massive geyser has subsided, the two scientists find themselves knee-deep in pigshit. Grabbing shovels they wade forward and dig out the first man who has been buried up to his neck. When they free him they find that he is laughing hysterically.

"What's so funny?" they ask.

"You should have seen the monkey trying to get the cork back in!"

Royal wedding

The only thing I want to say about this is that I am suprised at how, in the 21st Centuary, educated, rational, intellegent people actually give a shit.
As far as I am concerned the Royal Family is not a bad thing, its not a good thing, its simply irrelevant.

So I wish them luck and I will be having Pizza for my supper

Wednesday Movie - cool people doing cool stuff

Two movies that are totally inspiring
The first is an insane speed solo of the North Face of the Eiger in 2 hours 40 mins - unbelievable, makes my hands sweat just watching this guy as a runs along an icy snow covered knife ridge.

The second is a complitation of people doing crazy things, many of the clips I have seen before, but I still liked this video.

Easter Holiday

To Norwegians, Easter is more important than Christmas, probably because at Easter the weather is improving, the days are getting longer and there is lots of nice outdoor stuff to do in the mountains or by the sea. Whereas Christmas is dark and miserable and only good for eating and drinking too much, which gets boring after a few days. So this year we opted for the full experience and I spent a day top turing in the Rosendal Alps with Ian Sharp and 4 days at a beautiful house in Nesboe on Fensfjord about an hour north of Bergen. The place was an old village shop on a queyside and was lovingly restored by Helen's mother about 7 years ago. We were there with Helen and Sandy and the weather was fantastic. A couple of 10 km kayak trips, an afternoons climbing and a lot of lazing about in the sun. Just what the doctor ordered. There are pictures on my flickr site here.

Back to Sotra on Sunday and the harsh reality of leaving western Norway soon was brought home by the need to empty the shed and pack up all the gear in the Aladins cave that is the gear room. Still felt good to get it done.

Manners

So I was standing in the lunch queue minding my own business, when suddenly...

Crash! I am showered in orange juice as the short, miserable looking guy in front of me drops his tray, scattering its contents which seem to be mainly glasses of juice, over me, the counter and the floor. The pretty girl behind the till looks initially shocked and then quickly hands him a cloth to begin mopping up the mess. He says nothing, just looks on non-plussed.

He takes the cloth with a look that clearly expresses his dissatisfaction at having to clean up his own fuckin mess and he makes a half- hearted attempt to mop up some of the juice, while I bend down and pick up the scattered but not broken glasses for him. He says nothing, in fact he does not even acknowledge that I exist or that his incompetance has just resulted in me getting soaked.

So the girl mops the counter and I somehow end up mopping the floor with a large wade of paper which she has handed to me while he ineffectually rubs some kitchen paper across his tray. Then without looking at either of us he wanders off back into the queue, pushes some people out the way and gets himself a new lunch. The girl and I continue to mop up his mess from the floor and then the counter.

He returns himself to the front of queue, still without even establishing eye contact, pays for his food before wandering off to find a table. He never apologized to the girl or to me, in fact at no point did he even acknowledge that either of us existed, as we first suffered his clumsiness and then cleaned up his mess.

What a utter twat! I feel a strong urge to follow up and punch his sullen face, or at least ask him how he feels that it is socially acceptable to be so fuckin rude. 

This is sadly typical of a certain breed of middle aged Norwegians, almost always male, who skillfully manage to combine smug aloofness with an introverted arrogance in a way that is so exasperatingly rude. Most Norwegians are not at all like this but there is a minority who are so monumentally crass and socially incompetent that it has become a stereotype.

If most people had dropped that tray we would have been rushing around, smiling awkwardly, cleaning up and apologizing profusely. The people around would have been glad to help and would have felt sorry for someone who was so clearly embarrassed. It takes real effort to absolutely ignore all the people around you, especially when you have significantly inconvenienced them. 

Friday Joke from Roy Fitz

These weeks friday joke is from Roy Fitz who sent it after complaining that last weeks was crap.
Life in the lair is good. Sophie needs to stop waking up wide awake at 4am and everything would be perfect. It really felt like summer had arrived at the lair earlier this week, we were out in the hot tub. Its raining now for the weekend but Laura "Lolly" has turned up with her own brand of sunshine.

Anyway the Friday Joke....
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"


"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way, "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Geek Day - the international space station

Terry sent me this link which shows how the international space station has been assembled over the past twenty years. It is very cool but it does also resemble trailer park with various pieces of junk being parked next to a load of old caravans.
"Hey Joe, stick that camper van in the space between the tractor with one axel and the burnt out minibus"