The scariest animal in the desert

Nige and I have been working in Namibia for a couple of months. The Huab Basin in the north of the country lies just inland from the Skeleton Coast, it is the most remote places I have ever been. Fieldwork involves driving on dirt roads and river beds for a day just to get to the area, then camping out for two or three weeks at time without seeing another soul. Everything is carried in to the field area in the back of the pick-up including, food, water and spare fuel. Out here you are on your own and this is in the days before satallite phones or any of that stuff.

The landscape is harsh and unforgiving, red sandstone outcrops capped by thick mountains of dark grey weathered basalt. We make our camp sites where we can, we have a few prefered spots, where rock carvings and the occasional arrow head tells us that we are not the first to seek the shelter of the shallow caves and gullies.

The only vegetation is sharp and spiky. The animals are similar. The harsh desert conditions through-up all sorts of weird variations of the things we are more used to. Elephants with extra long legs for running over the dunes; zebras which are brown and black, and foxes with huge ears that triangulate the position of buried rodents and insects. Anything seems possible in this place and at some stage in our 3 months out here, we have seen most of them.

Several people have asked us if we had ever seen a "Honey Badger" yet. In fact we have been asked this question so many times that the creature is starting to take on mythical properties. "Oh man! Its so fierce it will kill a buffalo" was a claim from one local who we agreed was probably full of shit. "Its the craziest animal in the desert" from another, and "don't worry about the elephants", which had chased us out of the dried river bed "it's the honey badger that will get you". What were these people on about?

Then one evening as we drove back across the plain at dusk we saw a smallish creature casually lolloping along in the wheel ruts. We slowed down to see what it was, eyes straining in the half light. Nige says "it looks a bit like a badger" and which point it turns around and attacks the car! Huge white fangs barred, snarling and gnashing as a 30 cm fur ball tries to savage a 2.5 tonne Toyota truck. There is no fear in the beast, no comprehension of scale or consequence, just shear aggression.

Its terrifying and despite the fact that we are perfectly safe in the pick-ups cab, we both jump and cower in our seats. Then satisfied that it has made it's point, the beast waddles off. Confident that it has won the moral battle and got the respect that it felt it deserved it disappeares into the night.

Now it's our turn to say "beware the honey badger, it is a fearsome beast..."

First Ice of the Year - Starefossen

Its very cold in Bergen, as it is in most of Europe. Temperature at the evil lair has been down at -15 and the house is not really designed for that, The fat cat is less than impressed.

This does have some upsides though. The perfect blue skies and the covering of snow make everything look very pretty and the ice falls around town are in condition. There is a waterfall that sits above Bergen called Starefossen which I have had my eye on for 7 years, but I have never seen it in properly frozen. Well it is now!

So with a headache from too many saturday night beers I headed up there today with Sandy and, much to our suprise there was a queue. Two other parties, who had obviously not been out until 2am drinking were ahead of us. Given that it is only a 2 minute walk from the road, I guess its not that surprising really.

I have never seen the fall up close but it looked like two tidy pitches. I lead the first which was about 30 m of 70-80 degree ice and very pleasent. We then sat on a ledge looking over the town which was bathed in a blanket of snow beautifully lit by the winter sun. We spent about half an hour waiting for the party of three is front of us to move, which they did, slowly. Then Sandy dispatched the top pitch which was a ramp followed by a 10 m vertical section and then the top.

An excellent way to spend an afternoon in town...

Room 101

There used to be a program on British TV called Room 101 in which guests were invited to nominate the things they hated for inclusion in a fictional room, from where they would never return. It was basically just an excuse for a rant. Since I love ranting here are my offerings

Roller hand luggage – Based on the tartan shopping trolleys old ladies use for their cans of soup, these bags make a simple statement about their owners – given that the luggage lockers on the plane are not big enough for everyone to have this sort of luggage, owning one of these says “I am going to take more than my fair share of space because I am more important than you”, ie “I am a selfish twat!” It gets worse when you see entire families with them; small girls towing a pink, barbi embossed offering which contains… what? Basically if it needs wheels it’s not hand baggage!

Hot air hand driers – Go to the toilet, then wash our hands and get that sinking feeling when you realize there are no towels. Wave hand in jet of luke warm air for two minutes then get bored, shaking still wet hands and wipe on trousers. An utter waste of space.

Football supporters – not all football supports but that especially breed that watch the game but never get off their bar stool/sofa to actually play it. They are tribally wed to some second rate club and spend hours on the "club discussion website" arguing about goal keepers from the mid 1980's. Your nylon version of your nasty club strip hangs badly on your beer belly and your state of mind for the next week, ecstatic or heart broken, depends on the performance of 11 people over whom you have no control or influence. Get a life…

“Baby on board” stickers on cars - what the hell does that mean? Do you think I was going to drive recklessly and crash in to you, but seeing that stupid sticker has made me think twice, so I will crash into the car next to you? Of course not, it’s a statement that says “whoaho look at me, not only am I cool enough to find a woman who actually wants to sleep with me, but I managed to get it up and my sperm works. I fathered a child, I am a god!” No you are a sad pathetic wanker.

Spam, cold calling and junk mail – email spam is almost inevitable since it is so cheap to send out and only takes 1 in 12 million receivers to think “oh that pill really will make me dick bigger” for it to be profitable. However a bigger issue is junk mail, apparently 5% of Los Angeles landfill is unsolicited mail – surely that should just be illegal. And then cold calling, while we all love to scream at the poor unfortunate call centre drone, or even better, chat to them for ten minutes and then tell them to fuck off, what they are really aiming at is lonely old people who are gullible. Again it should just be illegal. Its not hard to find a company selling windows or life insurance or sofas, if you decide that you actually want one.

Friday Joke - the snow plough

Damn its cold here! Got back from Canada to find my car buried under 50 cm of hard icy snow and the temperature was -9c. Now it's set to get colder! It's not supposed to do this in Bergen, what has happened to the Gulf Stream? Meanwhile the UK is entering an ice age, at least if you believe the BBC. If this is climate change then bring it on - Ice climbing this weekend I think....

Anyway a topical tale about Bergen folk who aren't used to such harsh weather...

Lars and his lovely blonde wife Ingrid live in Bergen.
One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 10 to 15 cm of snow today. You must park your car on the left side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Ingrid goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 cm of snow today. You must park your car on the right side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Ingrid goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 20 to 25 cm of snow today.
Ingrid says, "Honey, he didn’t say where to put the car, what should I do?"
Lars says, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"

Shantaram - Gregory Roberts

I read Shantaram by Gregory Roberts over Christmas, its long, 950+ pages but it was so compelling that I got through it in 6 days.

It tells the true story of an Australian bank robber and ex junky who escapes from jail and ends up in Bombay. The story follows him from his arrival in the city, through his time in a rural village and back to the city where he ends up living in one of the slums, and starting a medical clinic. From there he gets arrested for no obvious reason and with no trail or chance of escape he is locked up, brutally beaten and almost dies. He is liberated from the jail by a mafia boss and goes to work for the local crime syndicate, ultimately ending up fighting with the Mujahidin against the Russians in Afghanistan before returning to Bombay.

The story is excellently crafted and written. He brings the people of Bombay to life and his love for them, from the poorest slum dweller, through the ex-pats and rich locals right up to the crime lord is clear. What only becomes apparent towards the end is how he is manipulated by a bigger power. His story is that of the bishop on the chess set. He is not the simple pawn, he is more useful, with a power to slide between the various lines, but at the same time he is certainly not the master of his destiny and he is used and scarified along the way.

It is a stunning book, I can not recommend it strongly enough, excellently written, and an amazing story of daring do, unrequented love and life in one of the poorest parts of the World. He is a truly great story teller and if even a half of it are true, a pretty amazing person.

Wednesday Movie - banned car adverts

Toyota advert that didn't quite make the cut from down-under

Volkswagen one that is more appropriate by the day....

Ford Ka bird protection

Honda theft protection

Dodge - penis replacement

A smart car ad which shows the advantage of limited seating

and a Hyundi for all those cheating spouses

Stoked for Revie...

Flew from the UK to Calgary. Almost didn’t make it out of Paul’s because the mile long track was a sheet of ice, literally. Fortunately we had a taxi driver who had done an apprenticeship on the tanker lorries so we made the airport just on time. A day on a plane and then arrived in Calgary at 5 pm. Then drove 5.5 hours across the Rockies to Revelstoke. Don’t try this at home! Jet leg

no sleep and a five an a half hour drive on icy roads don’t really go together.

I was in Revelstoke 4 years ago with Tor, staying at his uncle’s place. That was before the resort was open and the town was a sleepy backwater, straight out of a cowboy movie, surrounded by big mountains. We spent a week using snow mobiles to access the mountains and even managed a days heli-skiing. But there was also a lot of talk about the new resort and how it was going to change everything and the place was going to be the next “Whistler”.

First impression was that the town hadn’t changed at all! Which was good. It looked pretty much the same and had the same feel. We spent 8 days staying at the Nelson lodge and riding the hill. It was awesome! There are only three lifts but that is massively misleading as this is a huge mountain with tones of terrain. We spent the first couple of days finding our way around. There are glades where the trees are spaced widely enough to catch the deep powder and still ride fast. There are also a couple of big bowls which are accessed through chutes of the summit ridge and ridden out through tree runs at the bottom. This is potentially the best boarding I have ever done and when on the third day it started to snow, things just got better. A big dump on day 6 gave me one of the best days riding I have ever had. My legs were destroyed I could hardly walk.

Canada is possibly the friendliest country I have ever been to. As soon as you get on a lift people start chatting away to you, down town people treat you like old friends and even in the traffic queue which formed while we waited for the avalanche clearance, people got out there cars and stood around socializing. We met a lorry driver and an Olympic rower, just standing next to our car. It was from one of the very friendly people on the lift that we heard about the cross country skiing by lantern on New Years day. Katharine, ever the keen bean when it comes to skiing, bullied me into borrowing some skis from Tor's uncle and we headed out to the 5 km trip. It was dark and the route was lit by the occasional oil lamp. It was all very atmospheric and even more so at the half way point were we came across a beautifully lit up cabin which was dishing out hot chocolate and mold wine. I am fine on x country skis going up, going down is generally a disaster and this time was much the same as usual, but I made it back to the car after being overtaken by some old people on snow shoes. A very atmospheric evening and nice to do something with the locals.

The boarding at Revie definitely lived up to its expectations, the runs nearly are “too long” and there nearly is “too much powder” as one of the reports bemoaned. Its an amazing place to stay, with deep fresh powder, friendly people, and awesome terrain. The spirit of the old town is intact and the locals seem happy with what has happened to their hill. Go visit before the secret gets too widely known and the place really does become the next Whistler.