I heard this from a taxi driver who took me home the other day. It was so good I felt I needed to share it. This is told from his perspective.
Several year ago ah picked up a couple a young lassies and dropped um off in Dyce (NW Aberdeen) and went aboot ma business. Ma next costumer pointed out that there was a handbeg left behind on the back seat like. So I thanked um an put the beg in the front with the intention of drupping it off at the police station at the end of ma shift.
Twenty minutes later the phone in the beg starts ringing, so I answered, thinking I ma be able to find the owner
“Have you got my bag?”
“Ey, I have”
“What the fuck are ya duin wit ma bag, ya thieving bastard…”
“Hmm, well ya lift it in ma taxi”
She then hangs up
Five minutes later the phone rings again
“I want ma bag back”
“Ey, na problem, you have two choices, you cun either wait until I am in Dyce next, which ull be in un hoor or so, or you can pay the fare for me to come up there now”
“I want ma bag back you bastard”
“Yes you can have your bag back”
“I want it now”
“That fine but I am working so you’ll need to pay”
“Fuck ya! Ya bastard!
She hangs up again
Calls back ten minutes later
“I need my bag, its got my keys, and passport un money in it”
“That’s fine you can have it back when I am in Dyce”
“but I need it now, bring it to me now!”
“OK but you’ll have to pay the fare, am busy”
“Ya fuckin crook, you thieving bastard, I went my bag”
“OK, I am no gonna talk to you anymore, I will drop your beg at the polis station. That’s all I need to do”
“You fuckin bastard” etc etc
Phone rings again. This time it’s a guy
“See you pal, when you bring that beg roond, I am gonna kick ur fuckin heed in”
As if this was going to encourage me to drive to Dyce and drop the thing off.
At this point I stopped trying to be nice
“OK listen up and listen very good”
“Who the fuck da ya think ya talkin to pal”
“Just listen, because the next thing you’re gonna hear is this stupid bag going into the Dee” (local river)
And sure enough
Rustle, Whooosh, Splash…..
Yea I stopped ma cab on the bridge put the phone back in, still on mind and just threw the bag, purse, keys, passport, whole feckin loot into the river. Never even took the money out…
Classic story, I laughed my head off!