Being an academic, one of the key things is to disseminate your work, after all, there is not a lot of point solving a problem if you don't tell anyone about it.
So we publish papers, in journals, in books and in conference proceedings. I try and keep a a track of how many I have published and today, whilst updating my CV I realised that I had reached 100 published articles. That 100 only includes things that are in some form of peer reviewed scientific publication (so not magazine articles, blogs, jokes or other stuff like that).
Now I do not claim that all of these are marvellous pieces of work, in fact some of them are plain wrong, some are just crap and a few are ok. I am not going to contemplate their various merits here I am just going going to celebrate the big round number.
So here is a bit more of a breakdown
100 Articles
50 in main-stream Journals
31 in Books and Special Publications
19 in Conference Proceedings
I am first author in 21 of those, which might mean I am a free loader, but I prefer to think it means I don't hog the glory. There are approximately 140 co-authors at least 20 of whom I have never met.
I have been publishing since 1993 which is almost 20 years, so that's an average of 5 articles per year. It's nowhere near linear though so when I have some more spare time or when I am very bored I will plot it up in excel. It will be interesting to see because for the last 6 years I have only been an academic 50% of the time (worked in industry the rest).
For anyone who knows about metrics such as the H-factor, mine is 17 or 18. This is ok for my career stage and better than Brian Cox, but the sad reality is that it means 4/5 of my research output has been cited less than 20 times by others.
Then we get into the money bit! During my research careerer I have raised approximately £3.6 million which means that on average, each paper cost £36k. Each H-point cost £211k . I am not sure if that is good value or not, but I had lot of fun along the way.
Anyway I think I'll go out tonight and celebrate the double milestone of 100 articles and 50 journal articles with a cold beer. Which makes me wonder how many beers each paper has cost...
09 November 2012
23 October 2012
Random Jokes from Gareth
Thought I'd share these with the world - not very politically correct but amusing
Maths in Britain
1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realizes that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?
7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitized debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Surrey and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.
8. Teaching Maths 2017
你他妈的，我们将接管你的懒惰愚蠢的大陆，让你的奴隶
Maths in Britain
1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realizes that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?
7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitized debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Surrey and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.
8. Teaching Maths 2017
你他妈的，我们将接管你的懒惰愚蠢的大陆，让你的奴隶
30 September 2012
HSBC- you are out of credit
Dear HSBC,
I am very happy to be in a position where I don't need you at all. Twenty eight years is a long history, its over half my life, and it buys a lot of brand loyalty However you have just exceeded your credit limit and I am sorry to say that I will be terminating your account with me.
Goodbye
In 1984, when I was 17, my Mother took me into the local
branch of our Midland Bank where I was introduced to the manager and I opened
my first bank account. Twenty-eight years later I still have that account. I
have used it through my poverty stricken student days, when the manager
realised that I was perhaps a reasonable investment, into my early working days
when I was struggling to repay my debts to a time now, when I am, quite frankly
pretty well off. Through all this time my account has been with the same branch
in North Wales in the market town where I grew up. We have a history together and you have been a significant part of my life.
Ten years ago when I went to work in live and work in
Norway, I discovered that the self-styled “Worlds local bank” doesn't actually have any branches in Norway. So I
went into the branch, meet the manager and explained that I would keep the account
open but I was going to need a bank in Norway. The branch were very
understanding and they urged me to come back, should I ever return to the UK.
Which I did in 2011 when
I moved to Aberdeen. One of the first things I did was to transfer a
load of money into my UK account and starting using it again. So far so good.
Then I got married and I insisted that my wife and I had our joint account for paying household bills with
HSBC, despite her similarly long affiliation with one of your competitors.
I am truly mortified by the changes that have taken place in the last ten years. You have replaced a functioning system based around personal relationships and mutual respect with a bunch of irritating drones who are simultaneously annoying and stupid at the same time. In the year since I have been back I have had 6 or 7 meetings with your representatives and they have all been extremely depressing and highly stressful. Worse still I have only achieved less 30% of what I set out to. I walked out of the last meeting in disgust because an exceedingly patronising woman pushed one button too many.
So now I am moving on, If you ant to know why, here are a few tips for you
So now I am moving on, If you ant to know why, here are a few tips for you
1. Calling yourself the World's local bank when you don't have offices in Norway is a lie. No big deal but starting out with dishonesty is not a good think
2. Outsourcing all your telephone banking to a sweat shop in Mumbai (or where-ever) might make you feel more international but it isn't good for business
3. A big shinny hi-tec office on Union Street does not replace having staff that actually know and respect costumers
3. A big shinny hi-tec office on Union Street does not replace having staff that actually know and respect costumers
4. A bunch of arrogant, patronising, smarmy graduates are no substitute for staff you have worked their way up through the system
5. Swapping skilled people with the ability to make decisions for a bunch of brainless drones following a rigid work process may be cheaper but ultimately it is very poor for business
I am very happy to be in a position where I don't need you at all. Twenty eight years is a long history, its over half my life, and it buys a lot of brand loyalty However you have just exceeded your credit limit and I am sorry to say that I will be terminating your account with me.
Goodbye
06 September 2012
The Friday Joke is Toast
That does not mean that the joke is about toast or that toast is funny. It means that the Friday Joke and the Wednesday movie have gone the way of geek day and thursday fashion tips. Putting jokes on here once a week seems fairly pointless now that people get their jokes on a daily, hourly or often minutely basis via Mr Zuckerberg's evil empire. So to my two friends not on facebook, sorry guys.
The blog has been neglected but I will still publish opinions, comments and stupid stories (or stories of stupidity) as and when I get a chance to write them.
The blog has been neglected but I will still publish opinions, comments and stupid stories (or stories of stupidity) as and when I get a chance to write them.
| Not very funny... |
24 August 2012
Norwegian in Hell - Logical athiesm at its best
The following cartoon, stolen from here,is correct in so many ways
1. The destruction of a ridiculous pro-religious argument with some simple facts by a child - pure genius
2. The fact that the child has the courage to question authority and dogma
3. The fact that everything the child says is true and builds to a crushing conclusion that is implied but never stated - religion is not a source for good within a society.
4. The do speak Norwegian in Hell, because Hell is a small town near Trondheim (although some of my Norwegians would argue that the speak a rather obscure, Tronde dialect rather than proper Norwegian, but was in proper Norwegian?)
5. And finally for the liguistically challenged, such as myself, trying to learn Norwegian can sometime feel a bit like hell ;-)
1. The destruction of a ridiculous pro-religious argument with some simple facts by a child - pure genius
2. The fact that the child has the courage to question authority and dogma
3. The fact that everything the child says is true and builds to a crushing conclusion that is implied but never stated - religion is not a source for good within a society.
4. The do speak Norwegian in Hell, because Hell is a small town near Trondheim (although some of my Norwegians would argue that the speak a rather obscure, Tronde dialect rather than proper Norwegian, but was in proper Norwegian?)
5. And finally for the liguistically challenged, such as myself, trying to learn Norwegian can sometime feel a bit like hell ;-)
18 August 2012
Wednesday Movie on Saturday
I am in western Ireland doing some fieldwork this weekend and posting all seems very topsy turvy at the moment so I thought I'd just post this movie now. So here is is a very nice movie about two guys climbing all over the World. Ends up in Riglos in northern Spain which is one of my favourite crags.
Enjoy...
16 August 2012
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