Just been back in Britian for the weekend to catch up with family and friends. Also visited Antony Gormley's Another Place on Crosby beach which was great.
Whilst there we realised that there's certain things that have to be done on a weekend back in the old country - here, in no particular order is the top ten:
1. Eat fish and chips on the sea front.
2. Go to a country pub and drink a good pint of bitter.
3. Have a decent curry.
4. Go to a supermarket and fill a suitcase with 20 kg of good veggie food.
5. Visit an art exhibition/installation.
6. Buy some sandwiches in a garage that are not made with plain white bread and do not contain putrid sliced ham.
7. Drive at 80 mph (140 km/h) and travel at the same speed as the rest of the traffic.
8. Hold a door open for a random stranger and hear them say thank you.
9. Drink gallons of tea.
10. Go to a petrol station that doesn't stink of pølser (hot dogs).
Hmmm I just realised that I am strangley obsessed with food...
12 October 2008
10 October 2008
Showering
How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the'woo-woo'sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower. wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Not mine but still pretty funny
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the'woo-woo'sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower. wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Not mine but still pretty funny
09 October 2008
The BBC goes to eleven
I just noticed that the media player on the BBC website goes to 11. If you don't believe me click here, don't worry about the content just click on the volume slider, it goes all the way to 10 and then 1 more!
Fantastic!
If you don't understand why that is so brilliant you need to click here
Fantastic!
If you don't understand why that is so brilliant you need to click here
PC Britian gone mentally disadvantaged
Great news item on the BBC website in which the Students Union in Manchester Uni are changing some of the toilets from Gents and Ladies to toilets with- and toilets without-urinals. They are doing this because they are concerned that people who's sexuality does not fit into one of those two, fairly common, categories may be disadvantaged...
Fantastic! I didn't realize British students still had this much time to waste! I thought that since the introduction of loans and the demise of the grant system they were all way to busy studying hard and doing 2 paper-rounds and 3 bar jobs to play fruit-case politics.
Watch the video and ask yourself one question...
Do you think that the ridiculous girl with the green hair has ever laughed at anything? I mean properly laughed out loud at something ridiculous.
Probably not.
So much anger, so much angst, so little direction – its great
Fantastic! I didn't realize British students still had this much time to waste! I thought that since the introduction of loans and the demise of the grant system they were all way to busy studying hard and doing 2 paper-rounds and 3 bar jobs to play fruit-case politics.
Watch the video and ask yourself one question...
Do you think that the ridiculous girl with the green hair has ever laughed at anything? I mean properly laughed out loud at something ridiculous.
Probably not.
So much anger, so much angst, so little direction – its great
05 October 2008
Andrew Halliday... the fastest builder in the west!
Norwegian Builders are famous, at least amongst the expat community, for their very high prices, lack of urgency and general slackness...
So to reward their supreme efforts I have decided on... the "Oscars for Bergen’s Worst Builders", which are presented below, as always in reverse order.
Third place goes to:
The team of guys who agreed to line the outside of my basement and then rebuild the steps down to the house. One of them (not Norwegian) was very keen and worked super hard, rushing about doing all the work, while his mates either didn't show up or when they did, stood around smoking and chatting. Unfortunately, he had a family holiday booked and disappeared before the job was finished, promising that the slack bunch would be in next week to finish up and build the steps.
It should be noted that at this stage the only route to the house was down a steep gravel covered slope and I was on crutches! I was also planning a summer party and had several visitors coming from the UK who are not exactly agile. Predictably, the guys didn't show up despite repeated calling. The job was eventually completed by some mates from the UK who came over, and polished it off in a week doing a grand job.
One months later the slack crew reappared and then got angry that someone else had down the job. It then took them another 3 months to collect their tools. They finally tried to tell me I owed them money.
So they make the list, but because one of them was actually keen to work and did a good job on his part of the project they only get the brozen medal - there is better to come...
The silver medal:
Second prize goes to the builder who turned up at Mark and Tanja's house to fix the bathroom, disconnected their only toilet and then disappeared for 6 weeks summer holiday. After repeated calling he popped around with a bucket to tide them over. They have an 8 year old daughter!
Fantastic effort but still pales behind our final winner...
The gold medal for Bergen's slackest builder goes to:
A man who is in a league of his own...
Mr Andrew Halliday
After claiming to be "the fastest and cheapest carpenter in Bergen", he turned up at Katharine's place to fit some wardrobes. He only ever showed up at night and did a few hours here and there. Generally making more mess than anything else. Then he stopped showing up all together.
She called him repeatedly but he never came back. We actually thought he might have died or moved away, so I fixed some of his more immediate botches and eventually she got someone more reliable in.
Ten months (yes 10 months!) later he texted to ask, "when do you want the work finishing?"
She said that she had waited a couple of months and then got someone else to do it, at which point he got very arsey and sent her a bill for 6500 nok that was all itemised - the bill is fantastic because:
1. It is written in Norwegian despite the fact that both the contractor and the client are British - me thinks he is trying to hide something.
2. The bill includes 2 hours to remove 1 m of liste (ceiling skirting boards)
3. Four and a half hours to fit a cupboard door (the manufacturer says 2 hours)
4. One hour to fit a clothes rail
5. Half an hour to fit some liste that contains 20 nails - working out at 1.5 minutes per nail
And to just to re-iterate this is the self proclaimed "fastest and cheapest carpenter in Bergen"
So he gets our Gold Medal but the the most embarrassing thing is that he is not even Norwegian, he is a Scot!
So to reward their supreme efforts I have decided on... the "Oscars for Bergen’s Worst Builders", which are presented below, as always in reverse order.
Third place goes to:
The team of guys who agreed to line the outside of my basement and then rebuild the steps down to the house. One of them (not Norwegian) was very keen and worked super hard, rushing about doing all the work, while his mates either didn't show up or when they did, stood around smoking and chatting. Unfortunately, he had a family holiday booked and disappeared before the job was finished, promising that the slack bunch would be in next week to finish up and build the steps.
It should be noted that at this stage the only route to the house was down a steep gravel covered slope and I was on crutches! I was also planning a summer party and had several visitors coming from the UK who are not exactly agile. Predictably, the guys didn't show up despite repeated calling. The job was eventually completed by some mates from the UK who came over, and polished it off in a week doing a grand job.
One months later the slack crew reappared and then got angry that someone else had down the job. It then took them another 3 months to collect their tools. They finally tried to tell me I owed them money.
So they make the list, but because one of them was actually keen to work and did a good job on his part of the project they only get the brozen medal - there is better to come...
The silver medal:
Second prize goes to the builder who turned up at Mark and Tanja's house to fix the bathroom, disconnected their only toilet and then disappeared for 6 weeks summer holiday. After repeated calling he popped around with a bucket to tide them over. They have an 8 year old daughter!
Fantastic effort but still pales behind our final winner...
The gold medal for Bergen's slackest builder goes to:
A man who is in a league of his own...
Mr Andrew Halliday
After claiming to be "the fastest and cheapest carpenter in Bergen", he turned up at Katharine's place to fit some wardrobes. He only ever showed up at night and did a few hours here and there. Generally making more mess than anything else. Then he stopped showing up all together.
She called him repeatedly but he never came back. We actually thought he might have died or moved away, so I fixed some of his more immediate botches and eventually she got someone more reliable in.
Ten months (yes 10 months!) later he texted to ask, "when do you want the work finishing?"
She said that she had waited a couple of months and then got someone else to do it, at which point he got very arsey and sent her a bill for 6500 nok that was all itemised - the bill is fantastic because:
1. It is written in Norwegian despite the fact that both the contractor and the client are British - me thinks he is trying to hide something.
2. The bill includes 2 hours to remove 1 m of liste (ceiling skirting boards)
3. Four and a half hours to fit a cupboard door (the manufacturer says 2 hours)
4. One hour to fit a clothes rail
5. Half an hour to fit some liste that contains 20 nails - working out at 1.5 minutes per nail
And to just to re-iterate this is the self proclaimed "fastest and cheapest carpenter in Bergen"
So he gets our Gold Medal but the the most embarrassing thing is that he is not even Norwegian, he is a Scot!
03 October 2008
Lucky number 13
Turid was my 13th masters to finish since I arrived in Norway. You might not be superstitious but during the course of her project:
1. I broke my leg 3 days before going to the field with her on her first field season
2. Next field season I had an appendicitis after 1 day in the field with her
3. She waited 8 months for the tossers in Schlumberger to give her software training before they finally decided that they wouldn't do it
4. Seismic Exchange wanted quarter of a million dollars for some shitty old 2D data across her area. That offer was very generously discounted from $1700/mile to $1600/mile since we were academics!
5. Five different companies offered to get her the data and then didn't get around to it
6. Her exam ended up being delayed by 3 months because everyone was so busy
This poor girl has been dogged by some pretty bad luck...
But today, she had her exam and I am delighted to say that despite all her troubles she got a well deserved A!
Good job Turid and good luck
1. I broke my leg 3 days before going to the field with her on her first field season
2. Next field season I had an appendicitis after 1 day in the field with her
3. She waited 8 months for the tossers in Schlumberger to give her software training before they finally decided that they wouldn't do it
4. Seismic Exchange wanted quarter of a million dollars for some shitty old 2D data across her area. That offer was very generously discounted from $1700/mile to $1600/mile since we were academics!
5. Five different companies offered to get her the data and then didn't get around to it
6. Her exam ended up being delayed by 3 months because everyone was so busy
This poor girl has been dogged by some pretty bad luck...
But today, she had her exam and I am delighted to say that despite all her troubles she got a well deserved A!
Good job Turid and good luck
Friday Joke
Not much of interest going on at the moment - so here is a joke...
It was the Scotland vs Wales 'Rugby International' in Edinburgh , and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack.
The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it. As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said.
'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now.''Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death.'
The man replied 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!
''Don't worry' said the journalist 'I can see the headline now.'
'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'
The man replied 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from Berkshire .
'The journalist said 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now...
''English Bastard Strangles Family Pet’
It was the Scotland vs Wales 'Rugby International' in Edinburgh , and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack.
The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it. As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said.
'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now.''Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death.'
The man replied 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!
''Don't worry' said the journalist 'I can see the headline now.'
'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'
The man replied 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from Berkshire .
'The journalist said 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now...
''English Bastard Strangles Family Pet’
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