HSBC- you are out of credit

Dear HSBC,

In 1984, when I was 17, my Mother took me into the local branch of our Midland Bank where I was introduced to the manager and I opened my first bank account. Twenty-eight years later I still have that account. I have used it through my poverty stricken student days, when the manager realised that I was perhaps a reasonable investment, into my early working days when I was struggling to repay my debts to a time now, when I am, quite frankly pretty well off. Through all this time my account has been with the same branch in North Wales in the market town where I grew up. We have a history together and you have been a significant part of my life.

Ten years ago when I went to work in live and work in Norway, I discovered that the self-styled “Worlds local bank” doesn't   actually have any branches in Norway. So I went into the branch, meet the manager and explained that I would keep the account open but I was going to need a bank in Norway. The branch were very understanding and they urged me to come back, should I ever return to the UK.

Which I did in 2011 when  I moved to Aberdeen. One of the first things I did was to transfer a load of money into my UK account and starting using it again. So far so good. Then I got married and I insisted that my wife and I had our joint account for paying household bills with HSBC, despite her similarly long affiliation with one of your competitors. 

I am truly mortified by the changes that have taken place in the last ten years. You have replaced a functioning system based around personal relationships and mutual respect with a bunch of irritating drones who are simultaneously annoying and stupid at the same time. In the year since I have been back I have had 6 or 7 meetings with your representatives and they have all been extremely depressing and highly stressful. Worse still I have only achieved less 30% of what I set out to.  I walked out of the last meeting in disgust because an exceedingly patronising woman pushed one button too many.

So now I am moving on, If you ant to know why, here are a few tips for you 

1. Calling yourself the World's local bank when you don't have offices in Norway is a lie. No big deal but starting out with dishonesty is not a good think

2. Outsourcing all your telephone banking to a sweat shop in Mumbai (or where-ever) might make you feel more international but it isn't good for business
3. A big shinny hi-tec office on Union Street does not replace having staff that actually know and respect costumers

4. A bunch of arrogant, patronising, smarmy graduates are no substitute for staff you have worked their way up through the system

5. Swapping skilled people with the ability to make decisions for a bunch of brainless drones following a rigid  work process may be cheaper but ultimately it is very poor for business

I am very happy to be in a position where I don't need you at all. Twenty eight years is a long history, its over half my life, and it buys a lot of brand loyalty  However you have just exceeded your credit limit and I am sorry to say that I will be terminating your account with me.
Goodbye

The Friday Joke is Toast

That does not mean that the joke is about toast or that toast is funny. It means that the Friday Joke and the Wednesday movie have gone the way of geek day and thursday fashion tips. Putting jokes on here once a week seems fairly pointless now that people get their jokes on a daily, hourly or often minutely basis via Mr Zuckerberg's evil empire. So to my two friends not on facebook, sorry guys.
The blog has been neglected but I will still publish opinions, comments and stupid stories (or stories of stupidity) as and when I get a chance to write them.

Not very funny...

Norwegian in Hell - Logical athiesm at its best

The following cartoon, stolen from here,is correct in so many ways
1. The destruction of a ridiculous pro-religious argument with some simple facts by a child - pure genius
2. The fact that the child has the courage to question authority and dogma
3. The fact that everything the child says is true and builds to a crushing conclusion that is implied but never stated - religion is not a source for good within a society.
4. The do speak Norwegian in Hell, because Hell is a small town near Trondheim (although some of my Norwegians would argue that the speak a rather obscure, Tronde dialect rather than proper Norwegian, but was in proper Norwegian?)
5. And finally for the liguistically challenged, such as myself, trying to learn Norwegian can sometime feel a bit like hell ;-)

Wednesday Movie on Saturday

I am in western Ireland doing some fieldwork this weekend and posting all seems very topsy turvy at the moment so I thought I'd just post this movie now. So here is is a very nice movie about two guys climbing all over the World. Ends up in Riglos in northern Spain which is one of my favourite crags.
Enjoy...

Friday Joke - The Security Dog

This made me laugh...

Brick by Brick Olympics

If you enjoyed the Olympics check out the Guardians "Brick by Brick" video series - its excellent

Friday Joke is back

I know it seems a bit naff but I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the law on our way home from the odd session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks in Newcastle and had a few too many beers. 
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before.
I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. 
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and I'm not sure where I got it.

________________________________________________

I picked up this MILF the other night, she was late 40s but not bad for her age, few drinks, bit of a snog etc. Anyway she invites me back to hers and in the taxi she asks me if I'm up for a 'sportsmans double'? WTF is a sportsmans double? I ask and she explained its a mother/daughter threesome! F**king jackpot I thought :-)
She walks in the house and switches the hall lights on and shouts up the stairs "mum get your teeth in, he's up for it"